Airies
You’re excited this week and we’re not sure why! Restless energy and overenthusiasm will cause you to spontaneously combust and your guts will decorate the park and traumatise some kids on a jungle gym. Snaps for Airies!
Taurus
Hey Taurus! Feeling cashed up? Got some extra moolah and you think you should pay some bills this week? Never mind bills! You should hit the casino and try your hand at some poker! You’ll definitely come out with more money than you went in with, guaranteed! (this weeks Taurus reading was sponsored by Jupiters)
Gemini
Stay indoors this week as all aliens will be particularly attracted by the peculiar brainwaves you’ve been emitting lately. It seems your erratic thoughts over time beat out a saucy intergalactic text message of randiness. If you have to go outdoors, I suggest popping into your local anal bleaching centre and get yourself ready for some interstellar back-door lovin.
Cancer
Watch out, if you get caught trespassing in the woods by that crazy old man again he’s going to do more than just shoot you in the thigh with a BB gun this time. Once you’re dead, you and all the sickos in the world would be able to view your torment via underground internet distribution. Hurrah!
Leo
Overcome with emotion after watching Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince you will meander around the shopping centre trying to save muggles from Dementors that only you can see. This ends up in you being kept in time out for two hours in the shopping centre security headquarters… Very cool.
Virgo
A travel agent will contact you shortly to offer a unique opportunity to experience some real culture for a pittance. Being the adventurer, you will snap up the bargain, head over to South Africa and be kidnapped at the airport and be used as a severely gullible hostage, be swapped by a warlord for a crate of weapons and live out your life as the slave of Bemba.
Libra
A tricky week ahead for you Libra! You will wake up tomorrow and as a prank someone has turned your bedroom into an army obstacle course making waking up and heading to bed a gruelling and muddy process. When you find the culprit at the next keg party you will incur no cosmic back-fire should you chose to exact revenge in the form of an epic wedgie or duct-taping them to the ceiling.
Scorpio
Your shoelace is untied.
Sagittarius
A baby will mystically appear on your doorstep this week and you will raise it as your own in secret and love it and treat it like a miracle gift from god. Years down the track when the world catches on that there are more than a few random babies popping up, you will realise that 8.33% of the population, all the Sagittarius’s in fact, had a baby delivered to them that day and you, nor the baby, is special or exceptional at all.
Capricorn
This week will damage your reputation. This weeks’ myspace and facebook pages will slander you relentlessly until all the friends of this week slander you as well and people start to doubt your integrity as a person and whether you have any morals. You will un-friend this week, block all further communication and make a complaint to the page administrators and time itself.
Aquarius
Airy fairy Aquarius, isn’t very dareius, was a bit of a squareius, has no socks in a pairius, best friends name is Clairius, always falls of the chairius, don’t like combing your hairius, easy to scareius, not much to wearius, your jeans have a tearius, will be taken out by a bearius. BOOYARIUS!
Pisces
Pisces is again the bringer of doom, doom and more doom. But wait, there’s more! With your doom comes this limited edition of hope! Hard to carve, hard to come by and even harder to keep fresh with so much doom which is why we’ve ALSO included this healthy box of stupidity. Just switch it on and watch American sitcoms for 5 hours a day and you’ll see your IQ decline in under 5 days, yes, just 5 days GUARANTEED!!!
