Aries
Avoid all industrial sized magnets this week because all yo bling is only gold plated iron! You will be choked by your massive necklace and your head will explode when your grillz try to exit your mouth through the back of your head!
Taurus
You shouldn’t leave that dirty message on your partners mobile phone this week as the stars predict there is a high likelyhood that the room will be full of shocked relatives when it gets accidentally played on speakerphone at a family gathering.
Gemini
Touchy, touchy Gemini! Just because someone calls you the horrible, interferring, stagnant, poorly performing in bed, gutless, sly, skanky, horsey looking wannabe spice girl they wish would’ve died in a house fire already, doesn’t mean they don’t like you.
Cancer
We’re seeing a pattern that consistently warns you away from sweets and confectionary this week so we think that either it’s highly probable that you are susceptible to choking on smarties/skittles/maltesers or you’re incredibly fat already. One of the two.
Leo
Your best friend will stick a target to you back this Saturday while you’re out clubbing and you will wonder why people are throwing their Kebab wrappers at you, point their projectile vomiting friends in your direction and trying to run you over.
Virgo
You will be invited to a uni party this weekend however, no body really wanted you to come so to drown out the awkward vibe you’re feeling you will get ridiculously wasted, try to jelly wrestle a lecturer, puke on a white cat and wake up on a McDonalds playground without any idea how you got there.
Libra
A hilarious accident will occur this week (if you weren’t already it when you were conceived) when a batch of your ’special’ cookies are taken to church by your hard-core christian friend and all the nana’s put forward the suggestion to start a club that knits rastafarian beanies for the babies in the premature ward and wonder why there aren’t more nibblies available for the masses at mass.
Scorpio
A battle will occur between you and your other half this week over who steals the doona overnight until you end up in a doona tug of war which rips in half and spreads feathers everywhere and you end up dancing together amongst the feathers. It just re-inforces that old phrase: Make love, not war.
Sagittarius
While drying yourself tonight you will have a genius idea: why not have a bath robe made out of towels?!! You set out about sewing up a prototype and take yourself off to the Intellectual Property office to get yourself a patent only to find your request is denied due to the patent having been owned since 1936 and you loose $495. Way to research idiot!
Capricorn
Your farming abilities will be put to the test when you are asked to herd a gaggle of kids through a shopping centre. Enlisting the help of Shep, the adorable sheep dog from Hotel for Dogs, you safely direct them past Diva, Toys’R'Us and the candy section of Target. Well done!
Aquarius
Your adventres through time space continum will be published this week in a reputable science magazine catapulting you to instand nerdy startdom and while everyone is curious about your vessel, your qualifications and the specimines you collected you will no doubt disspoint them by keeping it a secret because “they” asked you to.
Pisces
Add together all the horrible weeks you’ve had throughout your life and then compare it to the week ahead and you won’t feel quite so bad. But you’re in for a rough ride. Lets just say, don’t make jokes about killing anyone incase it comes true and people start pointing fingers…
