Kia’s Answers

Aquarius

Jupiter in Uranus means you’ll be getting into some rather uncomfortable tight spots this week.  Drink heaps of Sunraysia Simply Prune juice to blast that discomfort outta space!

Leo

Watch out because scientists will reincarnate the pterodactyl using radiation on chicken eggs which unfortunately makes them grow really fast and you’ll spend most of your time this week cowering under solid structures without handles.  Empty your inbox ASAP to avoid being fired!

Pisces

You return to Never Never Land in order to not grow up but find that it now has bouncers due to popularity after Peter Pan was re-released in 2003 and they say you’re too old to gain entry.  Shrugging you will flag that idea and begin a quest for the Philosophers Stone.

Virgo

Oh no!  You’ll randomly read an article about space debris and become terrified of that 1 in 1,000,000,000 to the power of 97  chance of being flattened by falling space junk and begin to wear a hard hat everywhere and you get arrested by the fashion police.

Aries

Watch out for the number 8 this week as it has absolutely no impact on your life watsoever.  It barely even has any significance other than maybe that’s how many items are contained in an 8 pack of that item.  You should, however be wary of the number 6!  Because if you paid for 8 items you should complain if you only get 6.

Libra

You choose to parachute out of a helicopter this week.  That is not only monumentally stupid, it’s also fatally stupid.  You will weep with joy at all the love that surrounds you at your funeral until you realise all that love is radiating around your life partner and not all of it is stricly plutonic.

Taurus

A severed hand will be thrown at your house in a drive by and after you have interviews with police, hire body guards and private investiagtors to find out who has been injured and why it’s about you, you will recieve a letter from the hands owner apologising cause it was meant for your next door neighbour but they missed cause they had to throw left handed.

Scorpio

A large serioused face man will appear in your dreams and tell you you must fight with him to save the people.   Waking up and feeling a sense of duty you will quit your job, enlist in the army and await instructions however, it won’t actually have been a dream, you were just half alseep while watching a movie.

Gemini

You will this week deem it necessary to buy a truck, whack a bumper sticker on the back that says “WOMAN POWER” and become a homosexual for the week.  However when you wake up naked on top of said truck humping your exhaust pipe you might realise that it’s just not for you right now.

Sagittarius

A new moon in your imagination this week suggests that you are out of ideas for paintings and should start constructing puzzles, laminating them and selling them at the markets in pretty frames along with little statues of frogs doing cleaning chores…  You are now a grandma.

Cancer

A horrific sitcom will appear on your television on Thursday and it will be so bad that you just can’t look away.  There is a generic mum who’s friendly and understanding but firm, a quirky dad who embarrasses the kids and makes the mum roll her eyes and the dorky youngest son, the slightly skanky older daughter and the middle brother who is trying to be cool and get the girl of his dreams at school.

Capricorn

…………………………………  Oh, I’m sorry, I fell asleep while writing your Horrorscope because your life is so freaking BORING!  Live it up looser and give me something to envisage!  Dipshit.