Kia’s Answers

Aries

You’ll find your path one of destruction this week as you knock over all of your cups of coffee, any glass of water you come near and break half a dozen panes of glass when you fall through a revolving door you swear wasn’t there last week…  Loose 8 co-ordination points.

Taurus

You post a video of yourself tormenting kittens and are fined by the RSPCA and slapped with 30 hours of community service as a lollipop crossing attendant.  The children find you creepy so cross the road around the corner and get run over.  Loose 5 karma points.

Gemini

Your habitual partying lands you a job as a pomotions manager for a party cruise.  You are susequently fired for trying to entice people buy tickets for suggesting there will be free cocaine on board.  Back to the drawing board Gemini.  Loose 2 occupation points.

Cancer

You will go fishing this weekend only to find fish don’t like you either.  You will then phone your old buddy from the army, pick up a few grenades and blow those fuckers up and eat exploded fish for dinner and throw the carcasses at passing luxry cruisers rambling about equality.  Gain 3 chaos points.

Leo

Many people regard you as a fearless leader.   Luckily they don’t know you’ve developed several completely irrational compulsions and must touch 7 different colours before you enter a new room, repeatedly wash your handbag and tap your wrist twice before you drink any liquid.  Gain 6 OCD points.

Virgo

Avoid awesome sales this week as when your keycard is declined for having insufficient funds you will colaps on the shop floor crying, telling the shop assistant that you knew this would happen if you kept shopping and now everyone thinks you’re an idiot with no money.  Which you are.  Prepare to loose several hundred money points.

Libra

The beach will be calling you this weekend and when you get there you realise it was actually your new friend Beah and you mis-spelt her name in your phone and the beach is laughing at you cause how can it call your mobile when it hasn’t the capacity to do so.  Gain 7 stupid points.

Scorpio

A strange man will approach you in the streets and declare that he has found you, that you are the chosen one and tell you you must come with him before the people following him kill you.  He runs with you into a side street where he punches you in the stomach and takes your wallet.  Gain 12 gullible points.

Sagittarius

Your parents will sit you down this week and present you with your adoption papers and that who you thought was your much older skankier sister whom you hate is actually your mother.   Loose 5 awesome parents points.

Capricorn

When you go clubbing this weekend you will meet the person of your dreams, arrange a date for the next day, meet them for lunch the next day and have a wonderful time.  Date continuously for 3 months before moving in together, proposing after a year together and happily wed on your second anniversary.  Oh wait, that’s Aquarius.  Soz.  Loose 3 happiness points.

Aquarius

When you go clubbing this weekend you will meet the person of your dreams, arrange a date for the next day, meet them for lunch the next day and have a wonderful time.  Date continuously for 3 months before moving in together, proposing after a year together and happily wed on your second anniversary.  Gain 10 happiness points.

Pisces

You will find an old dusty leather bound book and attempt to read the gibberish inside aloud and mistakenly open up a portal to the underworld and let loose upon the earth the most foul deamons that are more demonic than anyone has ever imagined who commit unspeakable horrors to the townsfolk.  Loose all hope points.