Aries
Ladies, avoid all emasculating sex toys this week - your boyfriend hates you. Men, Your affection for beer and nights out with the boys has now taken over your affection for women. Try take a lady friend to a salsa class if you wish to remain straight.
Taurus
Your hike through the rainforest will ultimately lead you to a large diamond which you will sell for a large sum of cash to some billionaire and buy yourself a porsche, mansion and surround yourself with luxury items and then realise no body likes you anymore. But it’s okay, no body liked you in the first place.
Gemini
Your two personalities will literally split into two, buy a strap-on and screw your own brain out and you will realise you really DO love the sound of your voice as much as everyone else does… Right? RIGHT?!! Naw, just kidding. You’ll both just get drunk and sing harmonies on youtube and develope a large following in Tasmania.
Cancer
Your friends all understand that you love them dearly but when you buy half a dozen doughnuts that you don’t share because in your loud opinion they look like one already, your friends patience wears thin. You should talk less and shut up more before you end up living in a wheeliebin.
Leo
You will meet someone who is even more self obsessed than you are, and aspire to be like them.
Virgo
Your internal drive for organization and routing will be totally blown apart this week, when you contract a rare disease that causes your brain to liquify and run out of your eyes and nose. You will undergo massive personal change, and decide to travel the world performing interpretive dance for troubled youths.
Libra
Always one to advocate harmony and peacefulness, you will have a difficult time this week when the world is destroyed in an unfolding of devastating nuclear attacks.
Scorpio
As a scorpio you favour an air of mystery. Following this to its logical conclusion, you will have surgery to remove your fingerprints, identifiable facial features and voice.
Sagittarius
You have once again caught the travel bug! Unfortunately this time however it is not a metaphor… Your hair abandons your body and your skin turns a pastel grey-green. Before long your digestive systgem has simplified and you communicate in binary.
Capricorn
This week, you will be the first person ever to take their life by holding your breath.
Aquarius
Aquarius, the intrepid inventor! You finally get to unveil that secret project you have been working on so devotedly. It fails horrifically, and you are humiliated in front of millions.
Pisces
Always helpful, and never saying no, you once again find that people are taking advantage of your kindness. Just push it back inside like a good little pisces and never mind the voices………………………………………….Kill them all…
